So time flies on and all seems well. We sweat through the summer and are glad for windows to wash.
Time with family. Time with friends. Time learning to trust our Father more.
Drink iced tea and wish for rain.
And then as I turn onto our street one day, almost home, I comment to my husband that this street needs some work and I wonder when they’ll repave the whole thing. And as I finish driving the last block to our driveway my thoughts are flooding with this grief that I was not expecting.
Thoughts like “We will be here when this street gets remade.”
Why does that make me so so sad?
And I say it out loud and then realize. A whole continent away -south of the equator I had thought and said the same thing.
“We will be here when this street gets remade”
Only that street was all dirt, an obstacle course to navigate as we would drive our truck through the neighborhood.
I said it with joy and wonder at living long in a place we are not from, where they don’t even speak my language.
And the thoughts would go on as I’d think of my kids growing up there.
And here I am on a hot July day driving down a different street wondering if we’ll be here when my boy learns to drive just as his oldest brother is learning now.
And while I am thankful to be here now and I truly look forward with wonder to where God will have us by this time next year. I wonder where else we might go or what else we might do; I also find that the grieving comes on when I least suspect it for those people and places we miss. For the dreams that had to die for the new ones to be born.For the lessons to be learned that I would never trade now for anything.
I realize that I acutely miss it all!
I struggle daily with how to move forward when I am keenly aware of the state of lives and circumstances in certain corners of this world.
What do I do with this information? God, I cannot make sense of it all!
And while I realize He does not need me here or there or ANYWHERE in order to love people and show them His love, I wonder just WHAT to do or WHAT to think or HOW to proceed.
And you are waiting for it aren’t you? The answer. The epiphany I had and the direction or “call” He gave.
The truth is I don’t know. All I do know is that I CAN lean hard on Him and know that He will never fail. He won’t mess up or get it wrong.
I can fall on Him with all my fear, my grief and my thoughts and let him have it. No need to hold it all together, figure it out, or try and know what He wants from me.
There is only to know that He is there and he is ENOUGH.
And out of this knowing -who knows what will come of that…
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